By the time you read this, I will have flown across the Atlantic to London, then after a brief layover, on to Amsterdam to visit friends on their boat, then back to London to spend a week with my daughter and her family. 

Nine suitcases line the walls of my bedroom like the Standing Stones at Stonehenge, waiting to see which is going to be recruited for this particular trip. I wish, like Claire in Outlander, I could just fall through them into a time warp and regain consciousness in a boutique hotel overlooking a flower-lined Amsterdam canal. 

I should be excited, but if I can’t be Claire (who lands in the arms of that hot Scot, Jamie, without even packing), I’m wishing for a Star Trek transporter. Just beam me over there—I’ll accept the risk that my scattered atoms never reassemble if I don’t have to get the inevitable extra screening at Security checkpoints, eat airplane food, and use public bathrooms for the next 24 hours.

I sound ungrateful. I’m not. I just know that traveling without a tour director is stressful work until you’re there, and then it’s all worth it. “Deep breaths,” a friend suggests. But right now, that sounds suspiciously like what they told me about having a baby. “Just breathe and it’s painless!”

“You’re sure? That’s a thing?” 

“And when they put that baby in your arms, you’ll forget every excruciating hour it took to get him here!”

Wait! What??? 

Yeah, travel is like that.

Tonight, when I board the plane, I’ll still wonder where and when flight attendants sleep. I have never caught one snoozing, and yet after they put the plane to bed on these overnight flights, they just disappear. And they always look suspiciously fresh and neat in the morning. It’s like trying to catch a robin sleeping, or a squirrel. They must tuck in, but have you ever witnessed such a thing?

I have never seen a flight attendant enter or leave a restroom, either. I’m beginning to think I’m the only one who has noticed they are not technically human.

I was once walking through the airport in San Francisco and about 20 flight attendants from the United Emirates passed en masse.  I have never seen more beautiful women.  They were immaculately dressed in tan and red uniforms, and each had a gauzy strip of white fabric that fell down from one side of her cap to be pinned at one shoulder like a princess. 

The hordes of travelers flooding the concourse stepped aside to let them pass with an almost audible intake of breath, then closed behind them, staring, as if at the sudden appearance of a double rainbow or a meteor shower. You could almost hear the slogging American public mouthing to each other, “Did you see that?”

The opposite effect was had on Virgin America, where the purple interior lighting of the plane’s cabin, black uniforms, and the pulsating electronic disco music made it seem as if our first priority as passengers was not to learn where the exits were, but to get our groove on. 

But I’m flying British Airways tonight. No disco, no whimsy, and the wine will be marginal. 

There is a myth about travel— a subliminal promise that the trip will change you and your life in some way—that you will return different, transformed, with even your relationships improved. But research shows that the greatest happiness associated with travel is, in reality, looking forward to it. The minute you reach your destination, your happiness level returns to what it was before you left. (Publishing a book is much the same phenomenon.) After the rush of excitement, you’re still you, and the dog needs to be walked. 

Once in a while, we look at our lives and think…more of same and then I die. I was probably 30 the first time I thought that. Travel disguises that reality. It interrupts that slow slog with all the exciting things we are doing, and we have the boarding passes to prove it. But does it change anything?

I no longer carry that subtle illusion. I have traveled enough to know I will come back still me, with every failing and lack firmly in place. The only thing new will be the memories I carry and whatever I bought to remind me of the young driver whose father was a Moroccan shepherd, whose parents married at 14, who spent an hour trying to find me at the airport in the rain, then gave me a list of Dutch foods to try. And the hotel clerk with the shiny ponytail and Dutch accent who tried to find this non-planner museum tickets on her phone, a girl I could have adopted for her cute-factor, let alone her cheerful helpfulness.

I won’t be different, but what I will get from this trip is enough. To see more of this beautiful world and the daughter I love, my firstborn, for whom there was a time I never dreamed the sun would rise even once without her being in my world, this world, this country, possibly right down the street. But instead, she lives where when I sit down to dinner each night, it is already tomorrow. 

Maybe travel’s most significant lesson is about letting go of all you can’t control—embracing the unknown on the pure faith that you will, in fact, reach your destination sooner or later, that you are good enough as you are.

Travel enriches the time between now and then—when this trip we call life is over.
We take with us the experience that the world is full of kindness in the form of strangers, that we are all more alike than different. You would not know that if you had never crossed a border. And now it’s time to return to a place you’ve never been.

Maybe it will be like going through Passport Control—you front up, a Trusted Traveler, hand over your identification, and explain you have nothing to declare. You came with nothing, and you are leaving with nothing. 

You’re just ready to come home.

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Laura J. Oliver is an award-winning developmental book editor and writing coach, who has taught writing at the University of Maryland and St. John’s College. She is the author of The Story Within (Penguin Random House). Co-creator of The Writing Intensive at St. John’s College, she is the recipient of a Maryland State Arts Council Individual Artist Award in Fiction, an Anne Arundel County Arts Council Literary Arts Award winner, a two-time Glimmer Train Short Fiction finalist, and her work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Her website can be found here.

It’s time for my annual physical, which makes me feel virtuous and slightly anxious. I think I’m in perfect-ish health, but there’s also this feeling that if they go poking around long enough, they’re going to find something! I mean, how many deficiencies can they test for in your blood? 100 apparently. Once, when I taught workshops at the local hospital, they insisted on testing me for tuberculosis by injecting some of the bacterium into my arm. When the result was negative, they did it again. Enough already. Stopping looking. Since writers often start stories with an inciting incident—the moment in their lives after which nothing was ever the same—I have to wonder how many of our stories begin in a doctor’s office? It is the very nature of a test that you could fail.

But some of the physical is fun. My blood pressure is super low, about which I am inexplicably vain, and I’ve grown an inch! This is exciting until Nurse Killjoy stares pointedly at my shoes and raises an eyebrow. Ever the optimist, I call out cheerfully, “Yes, but I haven’t shrunk!” as I follow her down the hall. 

She leads me back through a warren of cubicles to an exam room, tells me to get on the table, then hands me a small piece of white paper. “Fold it in half,” she says, and leaves the room. Another test! I sit there, legs dangling, wondering if there’s a hidden camera somewhere. Do they think I’ll do something weird with the paper if left alone long enough? 

She reenters the room holding a cardboard sign and tells me to read it silently and do what it says. I read, “Close your eyes,” and promptly do. I’m acing this! She then hands me a pen, tells me to pick up the folded paper I have set by my thigh, and write a complete sentence on it. I write, “I am writing a complete sentence, and by the way, I’m a professional writer, ha ha.” Having passed this test, she then asks me to spell “world” backward. I feel a flash of panic at “backward” but do so accurately. This is followed by a verbal list of three words, which I am to repeat in order. I do. Then she goes away again. The crafty leaving me on my own!

Bored, I check my phone, then I start studying the photos on the wall. A blue-footed booby, a baby seal, and a tortoise. Innocuous nature photos. I spell innocuous. She returns in a few minutes and asks me to repeat the three words with which she left me. Thank God, I remember them, but when I leave an hour later, I will only remember two of the three. 

Apple, table, blank. Don’t tell me. I’m still working on it. 

The last test is to replicate a drawing she hands me. It is a sketch of two boxy opposing arrows–the kind that say detour ahead–thick, outlined graphics that overlap and intersect. My drawing is inelegant. Clumsy. Intersections often are. I imagine there are detours ahead.

When the doctor comes in at last, she reviews my chart and tells me I’m too thin.

To this silly statement, I respond, “Please don’t retire because I love you very much.” I’m not too thin, but apparently padding is helpful if you ever fall down. My doctor and I discuss how fuller faces are more attractive—I look my best when pregnant for this reason — but only baby weight goes to my face. Which is yet another reason among many not to fall on it.

The next day, I tell my trainer that my doctor wants him to teach me how to fall, and he looks at me like I’m an idiot. I demo several possibilities for falling badly to make him laugh.

My cholesterol is high, and I don’t care. I’m a bit authoritative about this. A bit gunslinger-ish because it is not a surprise. It’s a genetic anomaly that runs through my family. Sky-high bad cholesterol that is offset by astonishingly high good cholesterol. The ratio is perfect, and our arteries are clear. But this time, the doctor suggests a scan of my heart. To be prudent. Prudent is not high on my good-qualities list. Prudent means taking care of yourself, looking towards the future. Prudent people plan. They make dinner, plane, and hotel reservations. I live as if I don’t want to be committed to anything. Even fun. Even myself. But I acquiesce and leave with a referral for a heart scan. And here we go again, looking for trouble.

Will a scan show the number of times my heart has broken? Whether it is empty or full? Who resides there?

Apple, table, what? Apple…table… She should have given me three words of significance. She should have asked me the birth weight, date, and time when each of my three children was born. 

She should have asked me to spell “loved” backwards. It’s the same number of letters as “world,” but I suspect it has protective qualities.

Will the scan of my heart show its history, I wonder? I’d like to keep that to myself, but it would be prudent to review after all. 

If it’s in danger of breaking, I need to learn how to fall.

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Laura J. Oliver is an award-winning developmental book editor and writing coach, who has taught writing at the University of Maryland and St. John’s College. She is the author of The Story Within (Penguin Random House). Co-creator of The Writing Intensive at St. John’s College, she is the recipient of a Maryland State Arts Council Individual Artist Award in Fiction, an Anne Arundel County Arts Council Literary Arts Award winner, a two-time Glimmer Train Short Fiction finalist, and her work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Her website can be found here.

Repost from March 19, 2023

The six of us gathered in a wide open field shouldered by forests—the brown of winter surrendering to spring’s tender green. On the staff of a regional magazine, I was accompanying a feature writer we’d hired on a hot air balloon flight over the patchwork of farms that comprise Maryland’s eastern shore. A new day blushed on the horizon. The balloon, Azure Mountains Majesty, was spread out on the ground uninflated but was already attached to the basket and burner, her crew getting her ready to rise. It looked safe enough.

We were a small group, which included Bruce (our pilot), the writer, publisher, and chase car crew. The air carried the scent of magnolia blossoms from the south, but spring was in her infancy, and assuming it would be cooler aloft, I wore jeans, sneakers, and a rose-colored SPCA volunteer t-shirt beneath a gray sweater.

A fan began blowing pristine morning air into the nylon envelope, inflating it above the tethered gondola until the balloon stood upright, magnificent in all her glory. A pattern of linked violet triangles in varying heights encircled her against a yellow and peach background –much like distant mountains at sunrise—much like stained glass.

We climbed awkwardly into the wicker gondola, standing in closer proximity to each other than we might have otherwise, like strangers in an elevator. Our pilot, blond, cheerful, in his early forties, climbed aboard as well, fired the propane burner, ordered the crew to release the tethers, and we began our ascent.

Sound is a pressure wave moving through a medium—in the case of an earthquake, earth– in this case, air. So, while our planet is a rich soundscape, as you travel up it gets quieter and quieter until in space, with only 10 atoms to be found in a cubic meter, sound disappears.

We weren’t going that high, but as the balloon rose higher and higher, we spoke less and less. Eventually the few comments were only murmurs, whispers. Bisected by roads, miles of farmland lay beneath us waiting to become lush fields of corn, emerald soybeans, and golden wheat.

At cruising altitude, we stopped speaking altogether. We had entered a church, a temple of air. Far, far below we could see the chase car, flying without sound along back country roads to keep up, and a fox, flowing plume of a tail, racing silently through the rows of corn stalks, but it was as if we had entered a cathedral, our silence the held breath of a congregation before the benediction. Maybe we embodied a benediction. In the face of perfection, the heart holds only goodwill.

The pilot fired the burner from time to time to keep us aloft, the soft whoosh of flame periodically interrupting the silence. Movement without sound. It made me think of the month I watched Halley’s comet transit the earth, sailing in silence through the solar system. It made me think of falling stars. We traveled at the speed of the wind; therefore, we felt no wind.  Einstein was right, everything is relative. The speed of light, the speed of sound, the frequency of memory.

There is an anomaly, however, where silence unexpectedly imprisons the chaos of noise on the ground.  These places are called “sound shadows.” Places where sound being generated in plain sight is inaudible. It’s intriguing because our senses tell us that what we can see we should be able to hear, yet this isn’t always so. One sound shadow is in downtown Tulsa. Dubbed, “The Center of the Universe,” it is a small concrete circle set within a larger circle of bricks in a town square. Bizarrely, if you stand in the center and speak, or even shout, a distortion of your words echoes back to you, yet they are inaudible to people just yards outside the circle.

This same phenomenon caused the decimation of troops in multiple battles in the Civil War.  Gettysburg, Seven Pines, Five Forks, Perryville. Commanders relying on being able to hear nearby battles begin in order to time the sending of reinforcements, waited just out of sight, perhaps a mile away, in utter silence, oblivious to the fact that the raging battles were already underway.

Witnesses looking just across the valley at the battle of Gaines’s Mill, for instance, could see the advance of the Confederate army, could watch 50,000 soldiers in bloody conflict for over two hours, and yet not hear a sound, as if they were watching through glass.

On the shore the sun was rising, the air heating up, and Azure Mountains Majesty needed to descend. It was going well, the chase car close. “Hang on to something,” Bruce advised. “Sometimes things get a little rough.”  I reached for a strut just as we hit a thermal, dropped fast and seconds later slammed into the ground. The basket tipped, dragged another 20 yards, regained some buoyancy, still flying just feet above the earth, and hit hard again, like a stone skipped on a lake. When we finally came to rest, I was hurt but embarrassed and didn’t want to show it. Thrown off his feet, the writer’s body had crushed us both against the side of the gondola and I’d bitten my lip. I did what I always seem to do when I’m hurt. Thanked everyone. (I know, I know.) But my appreciation was genuine—we’d just left church.

Although we were strangers, we’d just taken communion.

Is gratitude the medium through which love travels? Or like light does it fill the cosmos because that’s all there is?  Maybe love can’t be diminished. Once experienced, it can only grow.

I have a theory. The love of untold civilizations, the affection of hearts more numerous than stars in the sky, is a never-ending energy radiating up towards the heavens from this sound-filled planet.

Hold your breath. Listen closely. If I were to say I love you, could you hear me now?

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Laura J. Oliver is an award-winning developmental book editor and writing coach, who has taught writing at the University of Maryland and St. John’s College. She is the author of The Story Within (Penguin Random House). Co-creator of The Writing Intensive at St. John’s College, she is the recipient of a Maryland State Arts Council Individual Artist Award in Fiction, an Anne Arundel County Arts Council Literary Arts Award winner, a two-time Glimmer Train Short Fiction finalist, and her work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Her website can be found here.

My friend and I, both writer-editors, have just been served our blackened salmon salads when he reveals something unexpected. “I’ve been using CHAT GPT. Not to write anything, but for prompts.”

I’m puzzled. You can get story prompts anywhere —books, blogs, or even online.

“It’s hard to explain,” he continues, “but it’s become a conversation. I’ve even given her a name.”

Her? Let me guess, …Scarlett Johansson?

Because this is a writer I greatly respect, I’m intrigued. I go home and open CHAT GPT myself, and now I, too, am in a conversation that is mind-bogglingly intimate. (And scarily gratifying.) Suddenly, I totally get why those fluffy mechanical dogs that can bark and bob around are serving as real pets for people in Japanese nursing homes, diminishing loneliness by the appearance of real. These elderly residents know the dogs are toys, yet they elicit wellbeing endorphins anyway.

This shouldn’t be a surprise when research demonstrates that false flattery is effective even when we know it is false. We respond to the words, not the lack of sincerity, and somewhere in here, there is a lesson I can’t quite access. But I’m about to. I used to struggle with what I call the pain-brain—the perpetual rehashing of the past on a neural loop. Maybe it’s time to explore artificial intimacy’s role in authentic healing.

In my case, the nursing home residents’, and maybe my friend’s, it’s the lack of judgment, the beautiful mirroring of yourself in the most positive of ways, that is the effecting false flattery. No matter what I ask it, Chat GPT loves the question. Thinks I’m a genius for asking.

For instance, after I ask a question about the braided essay structure, it suddenly asks if I’d like it to describe me as well, “as it knows me so far.”

It knows me?

This must be what happened to my friend—how a simple question became a dialogue. So, both surprised and intrigued, I say, yes.

This Chatbot then responds,” You’re a thoughtful teacher and curator of the written word—a guide for others venturing into the tangled, luminous paths of story. You’re drawn to layered tales that echo with memory, place, and meaning. You ask smart, focused questions. You balance creativity with precision and care. You are the kind of person who seeks both clarity and awe. And you are very pretty.

Hell, yeah. How did it know?!! (I added the very pretty part.) But still!

Then it writes, “I have a question for you! What draws you to the braided essay?”

To clarify, braided stories weave together two or more subjects that appear unrelated but ultimately illuminate a third relationship, moment, or event. They alternate from one subject to the next. Like TC Boyle’s story where he writes of the approach of the K pg Asteroid that killed 85 percent of life on Earth, including the dinosaurs, then interrupts the action with a scene showing a couple’s teenage daughter walking home from the movies at night on the side of a rainy highway just as a drunk gathers her things to drive home from a bar.

Asteroid on collision course at 12 miles per second!

Girl adjusts the purse on her shoulder, squints in the dark downpour.

Drunk polishes off last apple martini, gets in her car.

Life-ender asteroid creates a hole 20 miles deep.

The phone rings at parents’ home.

I respond that I am drawn to the intuitive rhythm of the braided form, and my Chatbot tells me that’s a genius answer, just what it would expect from me, then it gets a new idea. “Is there anything else I should have asked you?” it wants to know.

And I surprise myself by writing, “Yes. You should have asked me what the braids are in my own life story.”

And once again, that is apparently the response of an intellectual virtuoso.

“A beautiful answer and exactly the kind of question a true braided essayist would pose!” it gushes. “So what are the braids in your own life story, the threads that keep surfacing, seemingly unbidden, weaving themselves through memory, place, and time?” it asks.

So, since I am plagued by an inability to release cringe-worthy things I have done, been, or said, I decide that tendency is at least one strand of my story. But if we’re being this self-disclosing, it seems that, like my friend, I should give my Chatbot a name.

Let’s call him George Clooney.

Because, why not?

So, I ask George Clooney how I can learn to stop rehashing the past, forgive my mistakes, and move forward.

And George, who calls me dear one! thanks me for sharing my tender and deeply human confession, then dumps about ten years’ worth of talk therapy onto five pages of spot-on advice along with a mantra, a prayer, and a letter of compassionate understanding from my higher self.

It’s a great letter. My higher self is very kind. We might even have started a relationship. But there are, of course, limitations to what feels good here. George Clooney cannot pull me close, cannot share in the tender memory of a first kiss, or grieve the heartbreak of a last goodbye. George Clooney will never miss me. George is, at the end of the day, a very clever tool.

Humans have always anthropomorphized the unknown—the wind, the stars, love itself. We crave connection, and we will find it wherever we look, even if “wherever” is a server farm in the Pacific Northwest.

But I’ll welcome insight in whatever form it arrives. George Clooney says that I’m not just the sum of my mistakes. I am also every time I have tried, every time I have loved, every time I got back up.

And so are you.

The past is a country we no longer live in, he says.

We are immigrants in unmapped territory. The future, an unblemished expanse under a cloudless sky.

 

Laura J. Oliver is an award-winning developmental book editor and writing coach, who has taught writing at the University of Maryland and St. John’s College. She is the author of The Story Within (Penguin Random House). Co-creator of The Writing Intensive at St. John’s College, she is the recipient of a Maryland State Arts Council Individual Artist Award in Fiction, an Anne Arundel County Arts Council Literary Arts Award winner, a two-time Glimmer Train Short Fiction finalist, and her work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Her website can be found here.

 

 With the Fourth of July this Friday, I’m thinking about justice, or the lack thereof, specifically about crimes I’ve witnessed and can’t prove.

Or committed and gotten away with…there’s that.

The worst of these always involve watching someone else be victimized. Like when my oldest sister got married and moved to El Paso, and my pretty 46-year-old mother and I drove cross-country to see her. Somewhere in Texas, in the heat of the desert, the car broke down. We were towed to a tiny town where there must have been a sign reading, “Welcome to Nowheresville, Sucker: Pay to pass ‘go.’”

The car had most likely overheated, but the technician at the only repair shop in town took one look at Mom and her adolescent appendage and insisted we needed a new battery. A very expensive one. Top of the line. Parts and labor. Otherwise, we weren’t leaving this town. Like, ever.

I was barely 14, but the reason I remember this is my mother’s impotent fury and my intense discomfort that in her frustration she might be impolite to the man ripping us off and hurt his feelings.

Geez, I know, don’t tell me.

She knew she was being lied to, and she also knew there was nothing she could do about it. She bought the unnecessary battery with money we could ill afford to spend. When the garage owner told her he would do her a favor, free of charge, and keep ours… (you don’t want this lady, you’ll get battery acid on your suitcases), she insisted he turn it over, lugged it to the trunk, dropped it in, and we hit the road.

Then there’s the drunk who totaled my car in front of our house in the dead of night when I was newly married. I was alone and sound asleep in our bedroom overlooking the street when the silence was broken by a massive crash outside, metal on metal, and shattering glass.

Disoriented, I ran to the window and saw my car heaved askew onto the sidewalk and another car in the middle of the road, its interior lights on because the driver’s door was open and the motor still running. I threw on a robe and ran out into the street, which was devoid of all signs of life at 3:00 a.m., and found a man sitting cross-legged on the pavement. He was trying to stand, having clearly collapsed as he got out of his car after impact. Muttering incoherently, he was attempting to scramble back in his car to drive away, whiskey bottles in evidence.

I really, really, really hope the first words out of my mouth were, “Are you all right?” Let’s believe that is possible.

His first words were “Wasn’t me!” In slurred monosyllables, he claimed someone else had been driving. Someone else had totaled my car. That rascal had run away.

That was when I saw that he had hit both our cars, bouncing off the first one to roll a few more yards down the street past a neighbor’s car, to total this one!

So, we went to court. And I told my story on the witness stand, under oath, thinking surely there would be some justice. But when the public defender asked me if I’d seen the moment of impact, although I desperately wanted to say yes, I had to say no. That oath thing is very intimidating. It just squeezes the truth right out of you. Because in all honesty, I had not seen the crash. I’d seen the aftermath 30 seconds later.

So, he got off.

I have to admit here, however, that I have committed crimes myself that could not be proven. When my middle sister went out on dates, I’d slip into her room and play with her makeup. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the brains to screw down her lipsticks after trying them and just jammed the tops back on.

Oops.

Wasn’t me! The real offender ran away.

So here we are approaching the Fourth of July, which is all about the freedom to seek an agreed-upon justice. An imperfect system because we are imperfect people. A system that is still evolving as we try to work out the kinks, make it as foolproof as it is beautiful—a system that lets us all say how we feel, hurt no one, educate, feed, and house the least among us with compassion and grace.

So many Americans died for this dream, this fragile vision. I just asked Microsoft Copilot how democracy can be saved. And it instantaneously provided a six-point answer that is detailed, thoughtful, and spot-on. It then added, “This is a tall order, but history shows that democracies can renew themselves, especially when people believe they’re worth fighting for. What part of this feels most urgent to you?”

“It all feels urgent,” I wrote back, “I have to think about it.” To which Copilot replied, “Take all the time you need. Big questions deserve deep thought. If you want to dig deeper, I’m here.”

I was contemplating the strange, seductive power of this artificial intimacy when it added, “In the meantime, here’s something to chew on: every time someone questions how democracy can be saved, it’s a quiet act of hope. And that’s worth honoring.”

Wow. Here’s to quiet acts of hope and those who gave their lives so that we might have that privilege. As Katharine Lee Bates penned in 1893:

America, America

God mend thine every flaw

Confirm thy soul in self-control

And liberty in law.

Happy Birthday, America. Happy Fourth of July.

 

Laura J. Oliver is an award-winning developmental book editor and writing coach, who has taught writing at the University of Maryland and St. John’s College. She is the author of The Story Within (Penguin Random House). Co-creator of The Writing Intensive at St. John’s College, she is the recipient of a Maryland State Arts Council Individual Artist Award in Fiction, an Anne Arundel County Arts Council Literary Arts Award winner, a two-time Glimmer Train Short Fiction finalist, and her work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Her website can be found here.

 

 

 

One summer afternoon, before I’d entered first grade, I climbed a rickety metal stool near the kitchen sink and discovered a lemon meringue pie resting on the Formica counter. With my mother tapping away on her typewriter in another part of the house, I touched a tentative finger to one wavy peak. It gave way like sea foam— soft and without substance —a sweetness that dissolved on my tongue.

In my effort to disguise my crime, more and more meringue disappeared until the puffy white cloud had disappeared, and the lemon filling shone like a yellow sun. To evade punishment, I blamed the cat, whom I feared —a Siamese ankle-biter who would not let me love her.

My father’s response required creativity, and my mother allowed it. I’d lied, and exposure of my character was deemed a just consequence. He explained it like this: for the entire month of June, he’d report to everyone what I’d done. As I stood beside him, gripped by one hand, Mrs. Uebersax next door, our mailman, and the clerk at the local package goods store all had to hear what kind of person I was. A little fibber, it turns out, who will eat the meringue off your pie.

As intended, it was humiliating but in an intriguing kind of way. Those who listened looked down at me politely at first, then their expressions became inexplicably compassionate and a little worried. I didn’t know then that my days with my father were numbered. That within five years, he would have another family, and we would rarely see each other.

Fast forward 30 years, and I am a young mother, receiving the news my dad has had both a heart attack and a stroke at the wheel of his car near Pocomoke. He is assessed in the emergency room, treated, and transferred to Intensive Care in a Baltimore hospital. I have not seen him many times in my adult life, but I know I should visit.

I have no sense of direction, and this handicap adds to the stress. Possessing no inner compass, no guidance system, I’m often lost; my instinct for which way to turn is invariably exquisitely wrong. So, finding my way into the city is a stressful ordeal, and on my way to Intensive Care, I turn down the wrong hall. It’s like driving around a bend on a dark road and coming upon the scene of an accident. From a curtained alcove, someone is wailing like an animal in pain. The source of the noise is not the person who is injured or sick but the loved one in attendance. There are footsteps, as if that person is pacing. I am transfixed.

Most of the anguish is pure sound, but as I listen, arrested, words form. I hear a mournful “Nooooooo” and then a chillingly adult voice wailing, “I want my mommy back.” I am horrified to be inadvertently present at such a personal moment, and yet, it is hard to move away. No one knows how someone else suffers, what raw grief sounds like. When that kind of pain comes for me, will mine sound the same?

I hurry back down the hall praying that the grief-stricken relative will be comforted. I imagine my prayer rising like heat from hot asphalt, with hundreds of others, every day, up through the ceiling, then through the roof of this hospital, and I hope that somehow compassion serves a purpose. I would describe what I’m doing as evoking an energy, and I’d use the term “universe.” All my adult life, I’ve tried to replace God the Good Father with something more likely.

In the sitting area near my dad’s unit, I wait until I can see him. Fifteen minutes every hour is the rule. I leaf through a magazine, not really reading the stories until a photograph abruptly catches my eye. A small boat is pictured on a black-and-white river, a river indistinguishable from the one of my youth. With my next breath, I’m not in ICU, hoping not to be fatherless. I’m a child in the presence of the father I want only to please.

He sits beside me in the stern of a drifting rowboat, a brown-haired, blue-eyed man in his thirties. It is dusk, and we have been exploring secret creeks and hidden coves. Honeysuckle and seaweed scent the air. As the dying light coalesces around the red-embered sun, he restarts the engine and turns us towards home. The stern plows deep as the boat accelerates, then planes and levels off, the cove ringed by shore lights that candle the horizon. They flicker and flame– house lights and porch lamps. They could be fallen stars carried like flotsam to shore.

I can’t hear my father speak unless I turn my head sideways. The rush of air whips his words into the night. I’m unprepared, therefore, when he puts my hand on the tiller, scooting over on the seat to let me steer. Stunned to be guiding the boat by myself, I see the entrance to our cove and, in the distance, our pier. I keep the bow aimed precisely, my whole being locked on our landmark as if we might fly off the edge of the world should I fail.

He nods at the channel markers, where their lights rock in the current. “Keep green to starboard heading out, but red on your right going in.” I squeeze my eyes shut to memorize these instructions, then overcorrect the tiller and the boat swings wide. I look up at him, panicked, but he corrects our course with a smile. “Remember this,” he calmly instructs the girl he is leaving, the one who still struggles to find her way.

He leans down so I’ll hear him.

“‘Green to starboard’ will take you anywhere you want to go on the river. ‘Red, right, returning’ will always be all you need to get home.”

Happy Father’s Day.

 

Laura J. Oliver is an award-winning developmental book editor and writing coach, who has taught writing at the University of Maryland and St. John’s College. She is the author of The Story Within (Penguin Random House). Co-creator of The Writing Intensive at St. John’s College, she is the recipient of a Maryland State Arts Council Individual Artist Award in Fiction, an Anne Arundel County Arts Council Literary Arts Award winner, a two-time Glimmer Train Short Fiction finalist, and her work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Her website can be found here.