Working in a corporation is like being in middle school. Corporations bring out the worst in people. In an effort to get ahead, some employees take credit for others’ work, sabotage coworkers, and treat their colleagues harshly., while demonstrating different behavior to their bosses. Surviving in corporate America while keeping my own integrity required sacrifice, confidence, and a strong will.
While working in this environment, I discovered a book that guided me through the morass and has helped me throughout life. The book is called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He claims that it is based on ancient Toltec wisdom.
In his book, he lists four principles or agreements. The first agreement is Be Impeccable with Your Word. Following this principle means that we speak with integrity, meaning that we don’t lie or gossip. By doing this, we can “own” what we do and become role models for others.
The second principle is Don’t Take Anything Personally. What others say or do is a projection of their reality, not ours. This is one of the hardest things to understand, because we believe that others think like we do. But praise or criticism is about what the speaker values. Let me give you an example.
I had a boss who was notorious for berating us during presentations, the larger the audience, the nastier the behavior. One of my colleagues was making a presentation to a large group, and our boss interrupted her repeatedly, heckling her.
Despite our boss’s attempts to intimidate and embarrass her, she remained calm and patiently asked for clarification. This boss brought everyone to tears, myself included.
After the presentation, I went over to console my colleague. But she didn’t need consoling. She asked me, “Do you think that the other people in the room thought I was stupid or that our boss was mean?”
“Obviously, they thought that our boss was mean.” I responded. “But what about all the criticism,” I continued. “You worked so hard on that presentation; you even took notes when she spewed her vitriol.”
“Of course,” she replied. “Our boss wasn’t pleased, so I needed to change the presentation.”
“But your presentation was good,” I replied.
“I was satisfied with it,” she said.
“But didn’t the criticisms, hurt?”
“Oh no,” she replied. “Both praise and criticism are about the person giving it. Her criticism or praise for that matter was about what she valued.”
“Let me give you an example,” she continued. “What if someone told you that they love your hair. It doesn’t mean that you have good hair. It means that you have hair that that person values. There is no objective measure of hair…just perceptions. The same goes with criticism. If that person didn’t like your hair, it is because she doesn’t like that kind of hair. It has nothing to do with your hair.”
Praise is wonderful and those who give it are saying “We value the same things.” I believe that praise givers are confident, happy people. To keep our integrity, I recommend praising as often and as much as possible.
Criticism, however, is hard to take unless we are confident and believe that we did our best.
The third agreement is Don’t Make Assumptions. It goes without saying that all of us make assumptions and create stories frequently. Our assumptions are based on our experiences and not on the other’s experience. For example, what if I waved to someone and they didn’t wave back. The only information that I have is that person didn’t wave back. From there I make assumptions, “that person didn’t see me,” “that person doesn’t like me,” “that person broke her arm.” All of these are stories that we “jumped” to. When an employee would come to me about an issue, the first thing that I asked him was to separate the facts from the story.
Do your Best. As long as you do your best, you can be immune from criticism. Your best may not be good enough for someone, but it is your best, and you maintain your integrity by doing so. Your best will change, I cannot walk as quickly as I used to, but as long as I do the best that I can, I can feel good about what I have accomplished.
Pretty simple stuff, but extremely powerful.
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